Funny Facebook statuses and pics

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Funny Facebook statuses and pics

Facebook statuses and pics

I'm gonna hang a Batman outfit in my closet to screw with myself when I get Alzheimer's.

If you're wondering why you're single, date someone. You'll remember.

Interviewer: "What did you like best about your last job?" Me: "Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake."

I drive safer when there's food on my passenger seat than when there's a person sitting there.

Two things that most people want. 1. Lose weight 2. Eat

I wish "friends with benefits" meant your friends paid all of your bills.

My favorite beer is the next one.

Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.

Funny Facebook statuses

My doctor said I'm healthy enough for sexual activity ... I'm just not attractive enough.

Whenever a wrong number calls me and hangs up I always call em back and tell them it was their loss because I'm really fun to talk to.

There are so many scams on the Internet now these days, but for $19.95 I can show you how to avoid them.

Funny Facebook quotes and statuses

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Funny Facebook quotes and statuses

Facebook quotes and statuses

This would be a "Good Morning!" status update, but it's not, because morning sucks.

My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five

 different things at the same time.

Every novel is a mystery, if you never finish it.

I thought a vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant but apparently it only changes the color of the baby.

There is no such thing as a stupid question, but there are such things as stupid people who ask questions.

This donut scented car freshener will more than pay for itself next time I get pulled over.

I just blew all my party money on bills again.

Facebook funny quote and status

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Facebook funny quote and status

Funny Facebook statuses

My plan for today? Same as always: Drink coffee and be sexy.

I’m going to the gym because I heard they have free weights. I wonder how many they’ll let me take?

The only thing I hate worse than holding a girl's purse is when it doesn't match what I'm wearing.

Does Holy Crap comes from Holy Cow?

Funny short quotes for Facebook

I’m not a vegetarian but I eat animals who are.

I went for window shopping , and guest what , I bought four windows....

I really think my life would be a lot better if my fitness app would just lower its standards.

If I was a Jedi there is a 100% chance that I would use the Force inappropriately.

Facebook quotes

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Facebook quotes

Facebook addiction

Is there any healing program for Facebook addicted?

You may have a Facebook addiction if you... 

Get up to take a leak in the middle of the night and just have to turn your computer on to see if anyone messaged you in the middle of the night.

Instagram addiction

You know you have an Instagram addiction when you go on Facebook and double tap a photo.

10,351 pictures on Facebook..... I may have a light addiction.

Funny quotes and pictures

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Funny quotes and pictures

Funny pictures and sayings | your mama jokes

I tried to be normal once. Worst two minutes of my life.— Ziad K. Abdelnour

Yo mama so chatty when she signed into Skype it said "Error: Too Much Information" 

Yo mama so chatty she's the reason, Raj from the Big Bang Theory doesn't talk to women. 

Yo momma so chatty that even Whitney Cummings became annoyed. 

Short funny quotes

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Short funny quotes

Funny quotes about love

Accept who you are, unless you’re a serial killer.
— Ellen Degeneres