Facebook statuses and pics
I'm gonna hang a Batman outfit in my closet to screw with myself when I get Alzheimer's.
If you're wondering why you're single, date someone. You'll remember.
Interviewer: "What did you like best about your last job?" Me: "Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake."
I drive safer when there's food on my passenger seat than when there's a person sitting there.
Two things that most people want. 1. Lose weight 2. Eat
I wish "friends with benefits" meant your friends paid all of your bills.
My favorite beer is the next one.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Funny Facebook statuses
My doctor said I'm healthy enough for sexual activity ... I'm just not attractive enough.
Whenever a wrong number calls me and hangs up I always call em back and tell them it was their loss because I'm really fun to talk to.
There are so many scams on the Internet now these days, but for $19.95 I can show you how to avoid them.
