Quotes for laughs
Tried going out with my girlfriend
but by the time she finished putting on her makeup
the weekend was over.
- Anonymous
“You know the world is going crazy when
the best rapper is a white guy,
the best golfer is a black guy,
the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese,
the Swiss hold the America's Cup,
France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance,
Germany doesn't want to go to war,
and the three most powerful men in America are named
"Bush", "Dick", and "Colin."
Need I say more?”
― Chris Rock
"My prince is not coming on a white horse...
He's obviously riding a turtle, and definitely lost."
- Anonymous
My therapist told me the way to achieve
true inner peace is to finish what I start.
So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake.
I feel better already.
- DAVE BARRY
“What the hell is that?" I laughed.
"It's my fox hat."
"Your fox hat?"
"Yeah, Pudge. My fox hat."
"Why are you wearing your fox hat?" I asked.
"Because no one can catch the motherfucking fox.”
― John Green
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit;
wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
- Miles Kington
Stop texting me in the middle of texting you...
now I have to change my text.
- Anonymous
“I cannot go to school today"
Said little Peggy Ann McKay.
"I have the measles and the mumps,
A gash, a rash and purple bumps.
My mouth is wet, my throat is dry.
I'm going blind in my right eye.
My tonsils are as big as rocks,
I've counted sixteen chicken pox.
And there's one more - that's seventeen,
And don't you think my face looks green?
My leg is cut, my eyes are blue,
It might be the instamatic flu.
I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke,
I'm sure that my left leg is broke.
My hip hurts when I move my chin,
My belly button's caving in.
My back is wrenched, my ankle's sprained,
My 'pendix pains each time it rains.
My toes are cold, my toes are numb,
I have a sliver in my thumb.
My neck is stiff, my voice is weak,
I hardly whisper when I speak.
My tongue is filling up my mouth,
I think my hair is falling out.
My elbow's bent, my spine ain't straight,
My temperature is one-o-eight.
My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear,
There's a hole inside my ear.
I have a hangnail, and my heart is ...
What? What's that? What's that you say?
You say today is .............. Saturday?
Good bye, I'm going out to play!”
